Sudden sweat

I am posting this a lil' later than I thought it, but I was travelling to Houston from Boston. This is how I felt sitting in Logan airport, awaiting my flight...listening to iTunes, when my own song came on.

11/23/05 6:20 PM
My own track stopping me dead in my tracks.

Sweaty palms out of nowhere.

THIS IS WHAT I MUST DO WITH MY LIFE.

The pain and depth I could hear from myself.

I may be sheltered but I’ve felt things too.

I used to be so careful. My first solo show. Getting a taste in my mouth of what it can be like to fly alone. Nothing more to be feared. Only to be exalted.

The unbridled power of me on my own. A feeling like nothing could stop me.

Except my own laziness and procrastination. Still partially hesitation.

I adore and abhor feeling like an eternal child. Kitten foetus with vulnerably closed eyes. It’s all about eyes right now. St-eyes, I, Claudius. I swear this would be the best time for me to cover Pearl by Kristin Hersh. “These pearls on my eyes, they make me blind.”

I have subjected myself to some ugly gross things just for experience. Yes, I have. Yet, still, I am tagged. Sheltered. Naïve. Can I ever shake off this woolly lamb’s tail?

Lullabye

Oh. I'm sleepy today at work. Stayed up a little too late the last two nights. It's ok. It's the fault of I, Claudius and Vanity Fair (the movie).

So I've been thinking a lot about sickness and health and weakness and strength lately. How do people decide when to abide by rules? When are they put into place? After a wedding only? It seems like you must already feel that you'll stand by your beloved no matter what if you're willing to publicly proclaim it so...

I've dated a few people by this point. Enough to know I know something small. Enough to know I know nothing at all. Questions questions.

Love, feelings, emotions, swirling in a maelstrom. Random and deliberate.

Leave me. Don't leave me.

I went to New Hampshire on Monday. I cut through all the bullshit of miscellaneous extraneous unnecessaries. I used a machete to cut a path through the thick brush of city distraction and hindrance. I went to get away. To ride on a bus for a little over an hour in the autumn sun. Simple and clean. Leaves, rivers, and streams with choppy waters. To rest and relax, though I truly never do either. Stone weight of my mind dragging my brain down. Sagging under its own weight of pointless thoughts and questions.

I went to visit Scott. We don't see each other as much as we used to and it's ok, because we know there is more time for all things. We got re-acquainted, though we really didn't need to. I saw with my own eyes his peace and tranquility, living in a cozy spot with his mom and two cats. Very cozy. Cute little orange cat sleeping on a quilt...the very picture of God Bless This House.

I wonder if I tire of living with city boarders...

Would it not be better for my mind to live alone or with only ones I love and know?

Dear, I fear myself changing and it scares me. Things I never even considered now appeal strongly to me.

We played music and it was so good. It was honest. We believe in the songs we've written. Scott carries the torch when I am too exhausted. And distracted.

Never break apart. Never crack. Allow no fissures.

I want to do music. It is calling me. To sing out and affect people is all I desire. But I am lost for now in somniferous depths of cloud-head.

Sing me a lullabye and let me sleep.

Sweet Serenade

Awwww.

So Warren's movie Pony Trouble premiered to a packed, sold-out haus last Friday. One of the musical pieces I have is featured in a lovely forest scene. Exciting to hear it so loud and in front of so many folks!

I actually ate popcorn at the screening, which I always wanna do for nostalgia's sake, but usually don't allow myself to do.

At the after-party, I was having fun dancing and drinking red wine. The wine was boxed (Franzia), but the glass was beautiful and purple. Possibly crystal. Regardless, it's my fave glass at Scott M's house.

At one point, Warren came up and touched me softly, as he always does, and indicated I should follow him. I was ushered downstairs into the recording studio, where some of my friends/bandmates/other partygoers were assembled, seated casually etc. Moon was playing an acoustic guitar and Warren grabbed a lyric sheet and started singing "In Dreams" by Roy Orbison while Moon accompanied. He serenaded me. This is something no one has ever done. Especially so publicly and thoroughly and beautifully.

I have always wanted this. And to have a song written about me. But, as usual, my impatience leads me to do it first, so I write songs instead of waiting around for someone else to do it.

Dame Darcy put the song in our head after Halloween. She was so cute - sitting there knitting a scarf as a present while we had a little sing-along.

Looks like The Government is going to cover this song sometime soon. I'm in the band, too. My stage name is Lady Politik.

Another song I'm into right now, that I've wanted to cover for awhile, is Body Dump by electronic artist Khan. It features Julee Cruise on vocals and is about murder. What else? Turkish Queen will hopefully do this track at our next show. December 1st.

Tonight I play with Joe Turner and the Seven Levels at PA's Lounge in Somerville, MA. I curious to check out Bright, who is re-united for this show.

Warren and I are grooving on the BBC's I, Claudius. So far, we've watched episodes 1-3. I eagerly await seeing more.

Tomorrow night I hope to check out a film that's part of the Boston Turkish Festival. It's about Gallipoli.

I'm still suffering with a stye. Did a bit of research online today and found a long list of herbs and other remedies that may help. Send your well-wishes, please.