Friday, December 23, 2005

Ach, for those about to blog...

Coffee buzz and red wine langour.

On the way home from dinner, in the car, rubbed my nail over where the callous goes on my middle finger.

It's like a memory stone. I rub it to remember. What I've done and should do.

Stupid tarot site said don't look for emotional commitments right now. It's all good. I can hang.

I'm single for longer than ever before in my adult life now. I'm handling it well, but there are parties and holiday distractions. Plus a host of bands I need to juggle.

Saw a dream delight the other night. Easy prey, too. But I have someone in my heart, so it's merely an exercise. Meaningless.

Simpleton horoscope said be careful what you do and don't do. Mixed signals, anyone?

It's hard to tell what he's thinking, if anything, about me.

I can't stop thinking about the book a friend loaned me recently: Masereel's woodcuts.

Disappointments in love {like Faulkner's "Candy, candy..."}

These frames depict his character being laughed at after having his heart broken. Humiliated. He clung to a feminine waist. Desperately, it seemed. She exited.

Disappointments in love

Don't wanna know them or feel them, though I suppose both make the next more understandable. Supposedly.

Please know, when I sing Berlin, it will be for you dear...

Here in Missouri City one more week and then gone. So fast. Back to the city life like things didn't pause for a second.

Nothing means anything when yr soul is hungry.

Wheels of the year grinding to a halt.

Days are growing longer already.

Even after everything, I feel less internal ennui. Perhaps my patience is finally growing and strengthening. Could it be that the fear and doubt of my early 20s is disappearing?

Hallelujah.

I also understand much more about how desperate people can become for various things. Money. Sex. Recognition. Fame. Attention.

Certain people have entered my life for a reason.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Ego ergo

A few months back, I went in for another brainwashing.

Master cleansed my mind and now I'm back miserable again.

Wake up to sunshine. Renewal and bullshit. Questions. Childhood. Eternal, eternal.

Harsh sentiments and old hate. Self-hate and misery.

I can know adult things but with the mind of a child.

Ar, I've been told the world is such a cruel place.

Pressure unpleasant and pleasures to match.

I am so weak that sarcasm is my strongest weapon.

I felt love. Ephemeral. Happiness. Meaningless.

Once I could preach, "Don't hold hate in your heart." But my own rules are the hardest to follow.

I can't trust myself so I trust none other. Why do I expect the worst? Is it mother's fault?

I can try to be positive and happy and fake, but thoughts creep into crevices of my mind and grow crevasses of doubt and self-loathing. They are hiding in shadows and wings of the halls of my mind.

I think in all directions.

The essence of life is now. We are a mess glorious. Some strange mystery whose ______ is unknown. We are complicated dust with an infinite spectrum of possibility.

How I wish to harness what I sometimes feel. Some power growing from my center of gravity {gravitas}. Protecting me fom scrutiny. Deflecting attacks against me.

Making me strong in my aloneness.

Everyone else gets the joke.

Well, I want to go back. To the garden of love, where I felt loved and close with someone. A day that seems so clear in my voice of eye and heart-mind. It was a clear day. One that's supposed to be spooky, but it was magnificent. I wore a crown. Kraliceyim. I was warm. And he held my hand and we were close with open hearts. Is love crawling away again in my lost mind?

I do not ask to feel this way. Thoughts come up and torment me with endless doubt fear anxiety about life love aging. How can I stop what's natural in my chest?

Are my feelings (depth, etc) what make me a child to people's eyes?

Is it more mature to be heartless? To have lost feeling like dulled senses and tastebuds? Hotter baths and showers than I can stand?

As long as I breathe, certain terms and conditions apply. This I know and it comforts me.

My ego is a huge hungry monster. Sometimes it rules me.