Ego ergo

A few months back, I went in for another brainwashing.

Master cleansed my mind and now I'm back miserable again.

Wake up to sunshine. Renewal and bullshit. Questions. Childhood. Eternal, eternal.

Harsh sentiments and old hate. Self-hate and misery.

I can know adult things but with the mind of a child.

Ar, I've been told the world is such a cruel place.

Pressure unpleasant and pleasures to match.

I am so weak that sarcasm is my strongest weapon.

I felt love. Ephemeral. Happiness. Meaningless.

Once I could preach, "Don't hold hate in your heart." But my own rules are the hardest to follow.

I can't trust myself so I trust none other. Why do I expect the worst? Is it mother's fault?

I can try to be positive and happy and fake, but thoughts creep into crevices of my mind and grow crevasses of doubt and self-loathing. They are hiding in shadows and wings of the halls of my mind.

I think in all directions.

The essence of life is now. We are a mess glorious. Some strange mystery whose ______ is unknown. We are complicated dust with an infinite spectrum of possibility.

How I wish to harness what I sometimes feel. Some power growing from my center of gravity {gravitas}. Protecting me fom scrutiny. Deflecting attacks against me.

Making me strong in my aloneness.

Everyone else gets the joke.

Well, I want to go back. To the garden of love, where I felt loved and close with someone. A day that seems so clear in my voice of eye and heart-mind. It was a clear day. One that's supposed to be spooky, but it was magnificent. I wore a crown. Kraliceyim. I was warm. And he held my hand and we were close with open hearts. Is love crawling away again in my lost mind?

I do not ask to feel this way. Thoughts come up and torment me with endless doubt fear anxiety about life love aging. How can I stop what's natural in my chest?

Are my feelings (depth, etc) what make me a child to people's eyes?

Is it more mature to be heartless? To have lost feeling like dulled senses and tastebuds? Hotter baths and showers than I can stand?

As long as I breathe, certain terms and conditions apply. This I know and it comforts me.

My ego is a huge hungry monster. Sometimes it rules me.