Freakshow

So, I spent last Friday night in the emergency room of the Mass Eye & Ear infirmary. I was at home and freaked myself out by looking at medical info online - something I had been cautioned against by a previous doctor.

I've had a weird eye thing that hadn't gotten any better after going once to MGH and filling prescriptions and following directions.

I got there at like 10:30PM, wearing a black leather jacket (my boyfriend's). I went alone 'cause I never ask for help or support. After my initial check-in, the nurse (?) mentioned something about how I should've come with someone.

The waiting room was completely empty. Not a soul. Just me and the TV. I flipped it on and it was all about Katrina. Depressing imagery.

I became pretty upset. Luckily a friend called. Then I called a few folks for some support.

Funny how it didn't hit me until the nurse reminded me I was alone, and apparently that was strange status...

An older couple showed up after a little while. They wanted the TV off.

Anyway, I finally got seen at midnight. It was traumatic. I was already emotional and I'm extremely sensitive about my eyes being touched. They were poked, dilated, prodded. I had to look through a neon blue ring of light attached to somethin pressed up against my eyeball. The doctor struggled to get my eyes to stay open to do anything with. I could tell he was frustrated. He shook my hand when I left, as he did when I arrived. He very purposely put out his hand and looked at it, as if he was demonstrating that he wasn't afraid to touch my hand. But somehow, I sensed he couldn't wait to sterilize it.

I have never felt so Clockwork Orange before, and hope to *never* again.

I've been better since. The problem seems less of a problem.

Being in the ER was inspiring. And watching coverage of the hurricane. I got some writing done. And it was from the soul.

No lofty abstractions this time.

Yes. I've been re-acquainted with some dusty emotions as of late.