BIG RECORDING & MORE

Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

OK, so I started blogging on the Black Fortress of Opium page about the recording sessions this past weekend in NYC, with Martin Bisi.

http://myspace.com/blackfortressofopium

Pix by Tony coming soon, too:)

But this is more of a personal page, so I won't just repeat the same info.

Overall, it went so well, and our record might just be done by my birthday...that makes me quite happy.

There is a rough screening of the film I've been doing music for this weekend; I'm looking forward to seeing it.

New York was fun. I didn't make it into Manhattan this time; just Brooklyn. But Park Slope was good enough...I mean, I was essentially working my ass off. Play time comes later. The last night we were in NYC, Tony and Martin and I went to Union Hall and hung out. We ate killer chili, and cookies!

The band is sounding scary good.

~~~~~
Went to the doctor yesterday. Was supposed to have a pap, but couldn't because of the moonblood. Fine by me. Had plenty to tell Dr. Mankey anyway.

Before my appointment, I felt my mood turning somewhere ugly. Only when I set foot in the hospital and my knees felt wobbly did I realize why. Anxiety. Mega-dose.

I was very traumatized from the week I spent not that long ago visiting my mom in the hospital in Houston before she died. I hadn't had cause to go to the hospital here since then. And I guess being in the same environment affected me. Oh my God. As soon as I got in there, I went to get some food. I sat down ALONE. Feeling completely ALONE. So fucking sad. I was SO LOW. I started thinking about the other people there. It was packed. I wondered if they were in the same position as I had been only a month ago - watching someone they love die a horrible death.

Death death all around.

Christ. This Friday the band is doing a benefit for Scott Dakota's brother, Jon Erik, whom I don't think I ever met. He suffered a grand mal seizure and passed away. For the first time in my life, I can say I know what Scott's going through...

It felt funny sending out an email for the show about this person (essentially a stranger to me), when I haven't publicly enough acknowledged my own mother's death.

So I told my doc about what happened and she was very nice and understanding. She asked how I'm holding up. {We didn't discuss any medical conditions at all} Funny, I don't hear that question from anyone anymore. I guess everyone thinks I'm fine because I'm still working and doing shows, etc. My father said I'm a private person and now I see why. My mom always said I was too independent and now I see why.

I lock others out. I build walls no one can penetrate. I isolate myself and it hurts.

The doctor suggested seeing a therapist to help deal with my mom's death. Dad said mom's friends have given him pamphlets on support groups. He's unsure...

I told the doctor I have a hard time reaching out. I don't wanna be a burden or owe anyone. She said but that's what humanizes me...I had to ask her how to reach out because I don't know. I'm tentative. I felt so ashamed and humiliated that I don't know how to reach out. Admitting it...I think that brought back memories of seeing a therapist a few years back, and discoveries I made about myself during the session.

Perhaps I will see someone. I just hope it can help me learn how to let the people I love in, because I desperately want to. I need them more than they have any idea. And I know they wanna be there for me. And while they are there...

This blog helps me so much.

There is so much sadness inside me, my heart feels dirty. I swear I can feel stuff swirling around in there...sludge of sadness and emptiness and despair.

Time is speeding along. It's already been a month since she died. Will someone please stop the goddam clock so I have time to cry out every last tear my body can produce? I feel like I can't get it all out. I'm even drinking detox tea today...

I'm not looking forward to how much this is gonna hurt for the rest of my life.

And I've realized some of my newest songs predicted these feelings about my mom {as happened before TQ/Scott became less in my life, with Model Cafe} . Lyrics like "Bury me in my own tears" from one song.

Here's another I wrote over one year ago:

I can feel a flood coming on
I can sense a breakdown
I am too filled up, flowing over
I am too filled up, full

No cup can contain this system
Toxic
Filling up with poison
No cup can contain this system
Toxic
Filling up with, welling up with poison

That is like the sum of my tears and the poison that killed my mom. Her own system backing up.