Post show blues

So at first are the nerves.

Afterwards {and during} comes the fake elation and painful smiles, all the while wondering if it was any good. Hoping it was.

I wore the gold dress.

There were witnesses to my work. And a recording.

Did some fun covers - Pink Floyd, Massive Attack, a song from the Twin Peaks original motion picture soundtrack.

But there was no Scott or anyone else to go for the celebratory drink at the Model Cafe. There hasn't been for about 6 months.

We started behind schedule, so some folks left early. It's hard to keep track of who's there and who's not after a certain point. But that's ok. My focus is my performance.

Turkish cabaret music on my iTunes right now. Fitting for how late it is, how I am dressed, and how I feel.

I want to be and give the stuff of dreams. To give back what I have received from my favorite records and performances...

It's worth it when people come up to say hi after perfs. With smiles on their faces.

I am hungry, or I wouldn't need to get up there time after time.

Who knows what I am moving toward, but I have friends and fellow musicians who support me and help me out. Little things, like helping haul my gear, and bigger ones like coming to my shows and giving a care.

Joe and Dan and Michael. Big helps they are. My biggest, strongest supporters.

I don't live with any other musicians per se, so it's hard to be quiet when I come home after gigs. I wanna stay up all night or something. Scott taught me that, and not having a regular work schedule. This week, anyway.

I took a jazz workshop the summer after I graduated high school, and one of the teachers told us, warned us, really, about how it would be after gigs and there's no one to share/commiserate with. Sure there's the hanging out at the rehearsal space after we load back in, but at that point I find myself wishing I were somewhere else, but not sure where.

Someone I've dated recently commented that all my friends are old and boring. Isn't that rude and judgemental? It made me think, though. I've always hung out with people who were/are slightly or moreso older than I. I don't mind it at all.

Hey, at least I get up there and do it. I used to dream about it like it would only always be a dream. Now it's my reality. I have found an inner strength and maintained it.